Increase Peace and Confidence with Personal Boundaries
by Rebekkah Alexander
Personal boundaries are vital to our well-being. And I’ll tell you why.
They reduce stress. Support clarity. Acknowledge limitations. Demonstrate respect.
They reduce stress by establishing limits that allow us to manage our time and energy.
They support clarity for ourselves and others by communicating what our needs and preferences are.
They acknowledge our own limitations and the limitations of another, creating an atmosphere of creativity and expression.
They demonstrate to oneself and to another that we respect ourselves and we respect the other.
Practicing healthy boundaries with our children reinforces our message to them that they matter and further affirms the seed in them for their own positive self-value. Teaching our children healthy boundaries also prepares them for establishing relationships in their life that embody the self-and-other-regard that is essential for healthy relationships
Setting boundaries supports greater clarity and appreciation of one’s own individuality and the ability to express one’s uniqueness. By making clear what’s me and what’s you, and expressing my needs while honoring yours, our individual uniqueness is recognized and valued.
What is a Personal Boundary?
A personal boundary is a basic dynamic in the relating between oneself and any person, place, thing, behavior or experience. It is what distinguishes one person’s feelings, beliefs, thoughts, dreams, perceptions, likes and dislikes, as well as the body boundary, from another’s.
Boundaries are not walls. They are flexible and fluctuate with your needs.
Setting a personal boundary creates the space for one to “be” in their world. When we set a boundary, we are taking action that supports our experience of safety, self-regard, and meeting needs we have. We are able, then, to feel a sense of trust that we can manage our needs in relationships, work and play. This is called self-regulation.
Setting a personal boundary can also respect the space for someone else to “be”. Learning how to honor someone else’s boundary is expressing mutual regard—an essential part of a healthy thriving relationship.
Have you ever felt . . .
. . . exhausted from working too many hours straight without a break?
. . . a distressed state of fullness from having eaten more than what was needed to satisfy your hunger?
. . . a sudden tightness in your chest or stomach after saying “Yes” when you really wanted to say “No”?
These are good examples of the signals the body sends when there is a need for a personal boundary. Boundaries help us support and regulate our focus, energy and pleasure.
Are There Different Types of Boundaries?
Yes, there are many different types of boundaries. We can take a look at boundaries relative to your outer world and boundaries relative to your inner world.
Boundaries relative to your outer world are planning a start and stop time for activities or making choices for commitments that respect your limitations. Boundaries relative to your inner world would include noticing repetitive negative self-messages and choosing to change that pattern.
We can also look at boundaries relative to:
. . . what we let in: food, ideas, beliefs, affection
. . . what we let out: our words, expressions, behavior toward others
. . . what we do inside ourselves: self-messages of worth or unworthiness; self judgements; compassion
Taking responsibility for my wellbeing involves knowing what I need and taking the action to satisfy that need. Your needs are experienced as part of your inner world. Learning how to listen to your inner needs and respond to satisfy them will foster self-confidence, trust and self-respect.
What is ‘Honoring My Inner World’ and Why Is That Important?
Honoring your inner world is about paying attention to what’s happening in you and taking the steps to address what needs are showing up. It’s essential to be aware of what’s happening in our inner world for us to set effective boundaries for our wellbeing.
Maybe it’s taking a work break.
Maybe it’s getting to bed a little earlier.
Or maybe it’s eating more protein.
Whatever the need, what’s important is that every time we honor our inner world, we send the message to our mind-body that we matter. That we have value. This practice supports a very basic innate sense of value.
Our inner world contains our thoughts, emotions, beliefs, body sensations, memories, and dreams. One can choose who they want to share any of this world with and when. For example, your best friend cannot know how you think or feel about something unless you reveal that to them, perhaps through your words, actions, or emotional expressions.
How Can I Get More In Touch With My Inner World?
Our American culture and many cultures make demands of our attention going outward with less invitation to turn attention inward. Stress is often the result. Knowing one’s inner world requires being able to turn attention inward, getting quiet enough to sense and hear what the “conversation” and felt atmosphere is in there.
There are many ways to learn how to have greater awareness of your inner world and how to express that world. Some include prayer, meditation, yoga, somatic movement, tapping (EFT) and breathing techniques.
What each of these ways has in common is that they involve engagement of your Ventral Vagal Pathway of the Parasympathetic Nervous System. That is the calm mode of our human nervous system. It is also part of our nervous system that supports social engagement and interpersonal connection. I will talk more about this in another article.
However, for the purpose of this article I will emphasize that setting healthy boundaries requires knowing your inner world. Familiarity with your inner world and individual needs calls for the ability to shift from Sympathetic (stress mode) to Parasympathetic Ventral Vagal (calm mode).
In Closing
Awareness of your thoughts, feelings and needs (self-awareness) and the ability to act on your awareness leads to healthy boundaries.
It is common for people to assume that others know what’s best for them. This never really works. Instead, it creates confusion in relationships and fosters co-dependency.
The option is to be pro-active. It is important for each of us to take the self-responsibility, focusing inward for greater awareness of your thoughts, feelings and needs. No one else can truly know what your boundary needs are.
Setting boundaries when you need them is a practice that will support your PEACE, CONFIDENCE, RESPECT for you and for others, and your GROWTH.